| so... |
[Jan. 12th, 2005|01:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the bled "pass the flask" | ] |
so yEa i bEEn spEnding EvEryday at jasEn's. excEpt last night and all day today. but hopEfully back to sEE him tomorrow. it's sickEning how much i miss him. hE nEvEr rEsponds to my tExts but yEt hE tElls mE to tExt him...whats up with that? hE can't havE ALL thE attEntion now! :). haha.
dads still sick as hEll. hE nEvEr gEts out of bEd. i avoid him. why? 1 thing i camE up with is that in thE back of my mind i think hE's gonna pass. and if i stay away from him thEn hE would of not madE mE laugh or any kinds of happy b4 thEn. so thEn i won't miss him so much. which is total crap. but maybE thats what i'm thinking, likE i'm tryna protEct mysElf.
thE cEiling in my room is still lEaking likE mad. i was gonna fix thE crack in thE roof today. but hEy look at that its raining again. and oh look morE rain tomorrow.
byE byE cold wEt room. back to s.i. for a bit. my housE is always soooo cold. old wood windows that arE fuckEd! jasEn's housE is so nicE and normal. mE go thErE!!! :)
DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY READ THIS??? |
|
|
| mislEads and sEnsoring... |
[Jan. 5th, 2005|04:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | killswitch engage "end of heartache" | ] |
so my dad just callEd and hE's not coming homE today. hE's talking about catscans and othEr tEsts and thats gonna dEtErminE if hE nEEds thE opEration or not. i wondEr if my mom pays attEntion AT ALL. god. hE's sEnsoring thE truth from mE. i don't likE any of this. makE it stop. in any casE hE'll probably still havE to go for an angioplasty to opEn the cloggEd artEriEs. i wondEr how much of thosE onE person can go through. hEs had likE 8. plus 4 more angiograms...samE shit...eithEr way thEy gotta cut opEn your lEg.
i dunno. i'm so confusEd. now hEs not coming homE so i dunno if i should stay out in s.i. or not. i'm still gonna go tonight with my stuff and dEcidE whEn i nEEd to i guEss.
i should rEally go visit him. but this timE i'm so disconnEcted from him bEing sick. why? i mEan i'm hystErical EvEry momEnt. but so disconnEctEd... |
|
|
| ????????? |
[Jan. 5th, 2005|12:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | curious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | linkink park/jay'z "collision course" | ] |
so somEonE told mE as of last wEEk "good kissEr" was sEEing somEonE ElsE.
i'm happy i rEally hopE hE's not still sEEing this othEr chick. i'm gonna ask him if hE's sEEing anyonE ElsE whEn i talk to him latEr.
blah...
my dad still in hospital, thEy just got him a room now aftEr a whoooolE day. fuckErs! i dunno. thEy dunno whats up causE hE was still in ER. so i guEss thEy start doin tEsts soon. blah... |
|
|
| up and down |
[Jan. 4th, 2005|01:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | matchbook romance "stories and alibis" | ] |
so...i had a grEat night on saturday. i was supposEd to go to sEE my chEmical romancE...but my brothEr cancEllEd at like 1 pm. rich triEd hElping mE to gEt thE show in ExchangE with a frEE tickEt. but hE couldn't gEt his friEnd to gEt up, so i was out ovEr a hundrEd dollars in tickEts. BUT on thE good sidE i hung out anyway with risssh and my grEat night bEgan.
so... i stayEd with thE "good kissEr" all night and thE wholE nExt day. such a swEEtiE. i stoppEd talking to the othEr guys that i havE mEntionEd. causE this sEEms rEal. i likE him and i don't fEEl as if i don't know if hE fEEls thE samE or not, i'm not all paranoid about if he likEs mE Enough i guEss is what i'm tryna say. i'm not sitting around and wondEring. fEEls good. haven't mEt anyonE in a loooong timE. ha, i'll shush now, causE i only jinx mysElf with this shit.
on a sad notE my dad goEs into thE hospital yEt again tonight. the paramedics gEt hEar and i slip ALL thE way down thE stEps from thE sEcond floor. i can't sit on my right ass chEEk. i hopE my dad is ok. hE was crying, hE nEvEr criEs. i had to run in thE kitchEn and hystErical cry causE i couldn't of donE it in front of him.
i fEEl so sad and happy at thE samE timE. why can't i just enjoy bEing happy for at lEast one wEEk.
and this all startEd with mE waking mE up to a phonE call about how this girl is gonna bEat thE shit outta mE and i'm not gonna know what hit mE, cause my othEr friEnd thrEatEnEd hEr and since thE first friEnd won't hit back my sEcond friEnd causE shEs prEgnant thEn i guEss i'm thE targEt. but i think thast all sEttlEd now. but thast what i wokE up to.
plus mE gagging in thE toilEt and my garbagE can causE my mom says "oh why hE gotta go tonight for" rEfErring to my dad and thE hospital. as if hE can hold of dying till tomorrow. hEartlEss wench. pEoplE makE mE physically sick, my own family at that. and my bro toppEd thE wholE night off by bEing a dick about picking up my mom from thE hospital. how can thEy both bE so god damn sElfish. this is what i havE to livE with. if anything happEns to my fathEr i dunno what i'd do causE i cna't dEal with thEsE 2 alonE. hE is my lifE. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2005|07:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | second day | ] |
so nEw yEars day and alrEady this yEar SUCKS! nEw yEars EvE i was supposE to go to chris a.'s, as wE all know. but stupid Erin dEcidEs to go out thE night b4 and gEt drunk. so yEa i hEadEd out to s.i. to martini's rEd. michEllE camE with mE. mEt up with bElinda, tommy, rish, chris r. and jay. drank 2 bEErs and wE bouncEd to chris' housE. minus bElinda and tommy. had lots of fun. boi fun, yEy! so its this guy i mEt...wEll kinda...i mEt him in my housE in likE octobEr. but i was way too drunk to rEmEmbEr. so wE hookEd up. what a good kissEr. damn. i took lots of pics. :) so i was at chris' till 11 am. got homE likE 11:40. wEnt to bEd. woke up waaaaaaaaay to latE to takE a cab to matt's housE so chris v. can drivE us to chris a.'s. i really should gEt somE nicknamEs going hErE. so basically i got scrEwEd into staying homE on nEw yEars. so i said finE its bEttEr off this way so i won't havE a hangovEr and i'll bE ablE to gEt up on timE to go sEE my chEmical romancE.....ok so i got interruptEd to makE plans with good kissEr and rich. :) goign to futurE star. i'll writE morE latEr. |
|
|
| brian callEd again... :) |
[Dec. 30th, 2004|05:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | j.E.w. "futurEs" | ] |
brian callEd mE today, yEy (yEstErday, tEchnically). hE's swEEt. not a boi. hE's a man, thats what i nEEd. but whEn i gavE him my numbEr again hE said hE wasn't looking for anything sErious, hopEfully i can chnagE that by making him fall in lovE with mE. haha. :) |
|
|
| aftermath |
[Dec. 18th, 2004|04:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mudBox | ] |
so i'm feelin pretty shitty today. from the events of the past few days. i drank alone last night and got very very high and passed out. needed to numb myself. i never smoke weed but i have some handy for those O SO "SPECIAL" occasions that make me feel like dirt.
so i'm going to se the milwaukees tonight afterall. it was a hard decision to make being that i keep gagging and almost throwing up cause my thoughts are making me so nauseous. but nothing will come up. because of that i told my brother i wasn't going and he yelled at me "you fucking do this everytime, every show, i'm not going with u to anymore shows, ask me again to go to a show" BLAH BLAH BLAH! so i spoke to my friend who was actually my bros friend first and said if he goes i'll go. cause i'm just not in the mood to deal with my bro and his girl alone. i'm so angry and agitated and my hands are tight and i can't think straight. it's not a 3rd wheel night for me. and a whole hour drive or maybe over an hour to asbury park with just them 2 didn't help the matter. so anyway my friend said he'll go so i'm going. even though i feel like puking in the face of three very special bois. fuckin jackasses. at what age is it that boi's turn into men, i would really like to know so i can set my dating age limit. |
|
|
| hErE wE go again |
[Dec. 17th, 2004|09:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
so i been "seing" this guy for over a year and a half and just a lil while ago i ask his cuz where he is and he says "with his 'girl', eatin dinner with her parents, they aren't together, they're just seeing each other" i asked him how often does he see this chick and he says "often". mean while i haven't seen him since august. and hes been using the exuse "oh i'm so busy with my band and job, i don't get a chance to see anyone" yea right eat a dick. apparently u have plenty of time to see this other chick. so this means i mean dick to him. real nice. i fucking love my life. wasted over a year. i seriously have no idea what i am doing in this world. i don't have a clue about anything. i usually just hook up here and there (no sex). so i decided to stop that and just try settin my goals on one guy. that didn't work. so i went back to being me "g0 h03" as my friend so sweetly put it. but at least i'm not a full hoe. i just don't know what to do anymore. i hooked up with another guy and he says he wants to hang out but i know hes still seeing somoen. he hasn't called yet or anything. hes mad sweet. i known him for a while. why don't he just call. like whats wrong with me? i dunno.
my mood is confused but why does the confused sun look so fuckin happy!!! |
|
|
| thE boi i mEEt saturday |
[Dec. 16th, 2004|05:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | konstantine by something corporate | ] |
and yEs i know i spEll boi wrong.
so i met this "boi" saturday i say boi cuase hes 22. but swears hes much more mature i disagree. and i shall prove it. from the events in the past few days. so i met him saturday night at the wicked monk, which can be sometimes the equivilant to hell. he seemed so sweet, y else woudl i give a 22 year old guy my number, me being 24 and turing 25 in 3 and 1/2 months. ok so he called me monday i missed his call so i called him back tuesday.......
TUESDAY:
"thats so discusting" his Emotions actually stirrEd whEn i told him i datEd a black guy whEn i was 18. hE was about to stop talking to mE right thErE and this bEing thE first convo wE had on thE phonE. "thE only rEason why black guys datE whitE woman is to gEt thEm prEgnant and ruin thEir bloodlinE" EXACT QUOTE PEOPLE!!!! "no rEal whitE guy would want to datE you aftEr tElling him that. and if hE doEs say hE still wants to datE you it's only bEcausE hE wants to 'bang you out''. "i grEw up in starrEtt city, i sEEn what thEy donE to my family. 95% of thEm arE bad. bad unlEss thEy grEw up in a whitE nEighborhood". "no whitE guy willrEspEct you if you tEll thEm that" "lock that sEcrEt away". "takE a word of advicE and don't EvEr tEll a WhitE guy that or hE won't rEspEct you". all this from a guy i mEt at a bar saturday.
ok so i'vE bEEn askEd thE "havE you EvEr datEd a black guy?" quEstion b4 but nEvEr havE i got a rEsponsE likE that. this is why i hatE cErtain brooklyn guys. thEy think thEy rulE thE fucking world. i thought our gEnEration was past this bullshit but i guEss not. hE was raisEd a cErtain way i guEss. but so was i, my dad wasn't too happy about mE dating that guy back in 1998. but i didn't turn into a racist likE this kids parEnts madE him. don't pEoplE havE thEir own minds in this gEnEration. it litterally madE mE sick to my stomach whilE hE was sayin all this. as hE was tEllin mE "oh that so gross, 'i'm sick to my stomach". HE'S sick to HIS stomach. what a jokE. and u know what onE of thE last things hE said was "I DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE" it was so hard to hold in my hystErical laughtEr by that point.
i just don't undErstand how pEoplE can think likE this. gEt so angry at somEonE that thEy don't EvEn know for dating somEonE of a diffErEnt racE back whEn thEy wErE 18 EvEn. EvEn if it was yEstErday, whAT FUCKING RIGHT DOES HE HAVE. PEOPLE ARE FUCKING PATHETIC IN THIS WORLD. i would likE hElp him changE his mind but thosE kind of pEoplE are stubborn and nEEd to hElp thEmsElvEs. i can't vEnt anyonE causE i can analizE this till it doEsn't Exist anymorE. i'll bE hErE all day.
hE said hE was sorry for gEttin mad whEn hE told mE this, but thats just how hE fEEls.
but if hE can gEt mad ovEr that thEn what ElsE can hE so Easily gEt mad ovEr.
WEDNESDAY:
today hE says that whEn hEs with a girl hE don't want hEr going out to bars with hEr firEnds without him. causE all pEoplE do at bars is to pick pEoplE up.
i totally disagrEE. causE the first guy thats EvEr pickEd mE up at a bar and i go to bars all thE fucking timE.
i laugh at my friEnds that go out with guys that arE likE this. i fEEl sorry for thEm. no onE pErson should havE any rulE in what anothEr pErson doEs. thats what thErE is "trust" for. i dunno. maybE hE has trust issuEs. but what thE hEll am i doing? i havE somEonE 1000 timEs bEttEr. if hE would just call mE that would bE grEat, so i could finally hang with him. i know hEs busy working n stuff but i dunno i just want my chancE is all.
i'll add morE to what this kid said whEn i can fucking comprEhEnd my own thoughts. right now hEs just around for amusEmEnt purposEs. tomorrow i tEll him to grow up. i just havE troublE with lEtting pEoplE down. so its hard to say. i dunno. BLAH!!!
E
THURSDAY (today):
i talked it out with a friend and came to a final decision... which i already knew what it was in the back of my head i just needed someone else to give me some confidence in my decision...
FakePlasticLov3 [4:01 PM]: yesterday i told him i'm not gonna say i'm def gonna hang wiht u tomorrow cause it all depends on what happens tomorrow when it comes. hes like "oh i guess i'll see you saturday" i'm like wtf u alreayd have like no type of faith in me
classified[4:02 PM]: right
classified[4:02 PM]: when did u meet him"
classified[4:02 PM]: ?
FakePlasticLov3 [4:05 PM]: saturday
classified[4:05 PM]: and hes like this already?
FakePlasticLov3 [4:06 PM]: after i told him i disagree with him not lettin his girl go out without him. he said oh thats why i date girls much older than u cause girls your age don't get it yet. mean while hes 22
FakePlasticLov3 [4:06 PM]: yea!!!!
classified[4:07 PM]: omggg
calssified[4:07 PM]: weeeeirrrdddooooo
FakePlasticLov3 [4:07 PM]: yes
FakePlasticLov3 [4:08 PM]: so should i give him the curtesy of a call to tell him no or just ig' his ass
classified[4:08 PM]: no be respectful;
FakePlasticLov3 [4:08 PM]: yea i know
FakePlasticLov3 [4:09 PM]: its just harder lol
classified[4:09 PM]: dont be that girl
classified [4:09 PM]: lol
classified[4:09 PM]: ha
classified [4:09 PM]: yeah def
FakePlasticLov3 [4:09 PM]: after i finish eating i will call
FakePlasticLov3 [4:09 PM]: tahnks for the advice
FakePlasticLov3 [4:09 PM]: i mean if i went with the flow i think that would be selfish of me cuase i strongly disagree with his views
FakePlasticLov3 [4:10 PM]: it would be me just not wanting to be lonely
FakePlasticLov3 [4:27 PM]: brb gotta go call this doofice
FakePlasticLov3 [4:31 PM]: that was so easy
FakePlasticLov3 [4:32 PM]: he was like oh u hungry cause i'll come pick u up now and we could go eat and hang for a lil bit casue i get mad shit to dolater.
FakePlasticLov3 [4:32 PM]: i was like listen
FakePlasticLov3 [4:32 PM]: i don't think this is going to work out
FakePlasticLov3 [4:32 PM]: and hes like u called me back to tell me this?
FakePlasticLov3 [4:33 PM]: i said yeah what did u want me to do ignore u?
FakePlasticLov3 [4:33 PM]: hes like u think i would call u?
FakePlasticLov3 [4:33 PM]: i'm like i don't care
FakePlasticLov3 [4:33 PM]: he says thats not the right thing to do
FakePlasticLov3 [4:33 PM]: so ignoring you is? i says
FakePlasticLov3 [4:34 PM]: he goes...take it easy... take it easy
FakePlasticLov3 [4:34 PM]: so i hung up
classified[4:34 PM]: assholes
FakePlasticLov3 [4:34 PM]: and he thinks hes grown
classified[4:34 PM]: werd
so all in all i feel much better now that i called him and told him that i don't think this is gonna work. and for him to say that was "the wrong thing to do" just shows how immature he is. its called respect moron. he definitely has trust and respect issues. i'm glad i ended that b4 it started. |
|
|
| party... |
[Sep. 3rd, 2004|10:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  delirious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | juliana theory | ] |
so i cleaned then slept for a few hours then woke up and cleaned again and it's time to sleep again.....why am i writing in this thing. people better come. eh emm Fxxxx, i dunno if u want me to use your name. i put hard work into my cleaning got dammit! thast right, thats what i said.....erin did some work. haha
my nose is runny. aahhh it's hot. i feel liek i'm on speed |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
erin5440's journal